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BACK to JOKES


A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb...

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A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

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Bob the lawyer goes out and buys a brand new, sleek, sexy sports car. It becomes his pride and joy so he decides to show it off at work.
Because his firm doesn't have a parking garage, Bob parks on the side of the street. While he's getting out of the car, a semi truck comes speeding buy, knocking the car door of.

Bob, of course is out-raged and calls the police from his cell phone. When the cop arrives, starts cracking up and just can't stop laughing.

Now Bob is really pissed off and asks the cop why he's laughing. The cop says, "You lawyers are so absorbed with your personal possessions that you didn't realize that your arm was taken off with the car door!" The lawyer looks shocked and screams, "My Rolex!"

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Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. Upon passing the bar, he decided to move back to the small town where he could be a big fish in a little pond. He really wanted to impress everyone, so he opened a beautiful new office. Unfortunately, business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office, and he decided to try and make a big impression on his newest client. So as the man came up to the door, Joe picked up the phone, motioned the man in, and barked into the phone, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently while Joe rattled off instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. Now, what can I do for you?"

"Sorry to catch you when you're busy," the man replied calmly, "but I'm from the phone company, and I've come to hook up your phone."

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A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are seated in the same compartment on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of vodka out of his luggage, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and firmly stated, "In Russia, we have best vodka in the World. Nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as one we make in mother Russia. And, we have much of it, so much we can just throw it away like vater (water) ..."
That said, the Russian opens the train's window and hurls the vodka out of the train. The others in the compartment are quite impressed. Just then the Cuban removes a box of Havana cigars from his luggage, removes one, lights it and begins to smoke.

"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world 'Havanas', nowhere in the world are there such many and good cigars, and we have much of them also, such many that we can just throw them away ...." Making that bold statement, the Cuban sends the box of Havanas the way of the vodka.

Once again, the compartment's occupants are quite impressed. At that moment, not to be out done, the American abruptly stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer out!

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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"

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"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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Copyright 1997 - 2010

Information in this document is subject to change without notice.
Other products and companies referred to herein are trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective companies or mark holders.
UPDATE 18-Jan-2010
MMC&S Inc.


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