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Bill Gates' House

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: sigh, "Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

 

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Computer Software Warning:

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning child processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected. (Even though they worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as Mother-in-Law 55.8 and Brother-in-Law Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0
A "Don't remind me again" button
A "Minimize" Button
An install shield that allows wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time with no loss of cache or other system resources.
An option to run the network in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you can not install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0; you must uninstall girlfriend 1.0 first. Other say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O Port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks - all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

*******BUG WARNING********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse install claiming insufficient resources.

******BUG WORKAROUNDS******** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also Beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, however, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

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 Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0  and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access  to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product  brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable  programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3,  and OperaNight 6.1

 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,  SaturdayFootball 5.0,  Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.  Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. 
 Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.  I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of  limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!

 Jane

  Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.  It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0  In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".

You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3
I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this  strange  and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding   General Partnership Faults (GPFs).  This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command  "C:\  I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

 TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature.  Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a  C:\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0  Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0  to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip Just remember!  The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran .
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.  Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3  and  Patience 10.1.  Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.  After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend  7.6.

A final word of caution! 
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only fishing 9.4 and hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped.  Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!"

 

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WIN 95 DEFINITION

Windows 95: noun.  A 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Ain't that the truth!

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Tech Support "Classics"

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

******************
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it! (YEE-HAW!)

*****************
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

*******************
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

****************
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

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How To Clean Your Mouse


This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

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Computers: Male or Female?


A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

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Think you're computer illiterate? This was evidence used in a case, where a woman sued a technical support representative. It's a transcription of the recording between the tech guy, and the woman (whose names have not been included to protect their privacy).

Tech: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Woman: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." 
Tech: "What sort of trouble?" 
Woman: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." 
Tech: "Went away?" 
Woman: "They disappeared." 
Tech: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Woman: "Nothing." 
Tech: "Nothing?" 
Woman: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." 
Tech: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" 
Woman: "How do I tell?" 
Tech: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" 
Woman: "What's a sea-prompt?" 
Tech: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" 
Woman: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." 
Tech: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" 
Woman: "What's a monitor?" 
Tech: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" 
Woman: "I don't know." 
Tech: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" 
Woman: "Yes, I think so." 
Tech: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." 
Woman: "Yes, it is." 
Tech: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" 
Woman: "No." 
Tech: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." 
Woman: "Okay, here it is." 
Tech: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." 
Woman: "I can't reach." 
Tech: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" 
Woman: "No." 
Tech: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" 
Woman: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." 
Tech: "Dark?" 
Woman: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." 
Tech: "Well, turn on the office light then." 
Woman: "I can't." 
Tech: "No? Why not?" 
Woman: "Because there's a power failure." 
Tech: "A power... A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" 
Woman: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." 
Tech: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." 
Woman: "Really? Is it that bad?" 
Tech: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." 
Woman: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" 
Tech: "Tell them you're too !@#$ing stupid to own a computer."

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Copyright 1997 - 2010

Information in this document is subject to change without notice.
Other products and companies referred to herein are trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective companies or mark holders.
UPDATE 18-Jan-2010
MMC&S Inc.


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