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SIGNS IN THE WORLD
--In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
--In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
--In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.
--In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
--In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving
is then going alphabetically by national order.
--In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
--In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours
of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
--In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
--In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
--In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You are welcome
to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are
buried daily except Thursday.
--In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours
of repose in the boots of ascension.
--On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
--On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the
country people's fashion
--In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient
self-service.
--Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
--In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
--Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
--In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
--Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
--In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the
contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
--In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
--A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest
camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in
one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
--In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
--In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
--A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under
the bridge since this variation has been played.
--In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good
time.
--In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours---we
guarantee no miscarriages.
--Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
--In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
--On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its
useful life.
--Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
--In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today---no ice cream.
--In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a
man.
--In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
--In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all
directions.
--On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are
welcome to it.
--In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
--At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give
it to the guard on duty.
--In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
--In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
--In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the
long run.
--From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and
Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
--From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight,
tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigor.
Signs
That You Are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they
walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle
of the night.
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