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BACK to JOKES

 


ABOUT MEN

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.


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Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

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Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

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Speed Limit

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

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The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready:  
  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: 
  Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter: 
  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children:  
  Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise:  
  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS:  
  Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable:  
  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him:  
  You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his:  
  Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal:  
  Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax

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Now The updated version for the '90s woman.

1. Have dinner ready:  
  Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself:  
  A quick stop at the "LANCÔME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter:  
  Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children:  
  Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise:  
  When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS:  
  Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable:  
  Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him:  
  But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: 
  A chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal:  
  To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.

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SCARY BUT QUITE TRUE

Smart Man + Smart Woman= Romance 
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy 
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair 
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage 
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit 
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production 
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion 
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime 

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. 
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. 
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's mo use in two people remembering the same thing. 
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

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Seminars For Females

 Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. 
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 
12. Introduction to Parking 
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His 
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both 
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only 

Please register immediately as courses are in great demand.

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AT THE DOCTOR

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"
"You're going to die."

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WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS...


1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

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SANTA'S A WOMAN 

  I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. 
  Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! 
  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.  On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. 
  Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag. 
  Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. 
  Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: 
-Men can't pack a bag. 
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. 
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. 
-Men don't answer their mail. 
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. 
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. 
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. 

I can buy the fact other mythical holiday characters are men: 
-Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. 
-Cupid flies around carrying weapons. 
-Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not Santa!!!!

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© Copyright 1997 - 2010

Information in this document is subject to change without notice.
Other products and companies referred to herein are trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective companies or mark holders.
UPDATE 18-Jan-2010
MMC&S Inc.


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